This is a breakup song. I phoned it in from the moon. If you don't believe me, listen to the song. Born from a lightweight Casio PT-20 with its built in rhythm and automated backing chords, I turned into a big production with a multitude of things including timpani, strings, and the Hornicator.
I've been riding an emotional roller coaster this month. At some time or other most of us go through this process (maybe we have to in order to get through to the other side, wherever that may be). You do it when you find yourself alone and you're not used to it. God, what a challenging year so far! I'm not completely hopeless. But I am heartbroken. Several weeks ago I broke up with my wonderful girlfriend of nearly five years. I really didn't want it to happen, but our individual visions of the future aren't as synchronous as everything else we have in common. While I thought we were growing gradually more inseparable, I guess she was gradually seeing it as inevitable that we would eventually go our separate ways. That's probably oversimplifying the whole thing, I really don't know and though you can rationalize anything I doubt if I'll ever understand it fully. But it feels horrible.
On the day this happened I got massively drunk (as you do) and wound up with the worst case of hiccups I've ever had. They fired off every six seconds and lasted hours. I tried every trick in the book, drinking water upside down whilst holding my breath, etc. Maybe it was some sort of emotional defense mechanism, they just wouldn't let go. At about two in the morning I approached the Hammersmith bridge, stumbling, on my way home on foot, and in the distance I heard the sound of a screaming woman and thunderous footsteps out on one of the footpaths in the dark. I didn't see what was happening, probably she was running away whilst sounding the alarm, or maybe it was kids just fucking around. In any case I chose to walk on the other side. Barely on to the bridge I was accosted by a mugger who swung around one of the pillars into my path. He asked for a cigarette. I was smoking my last one. He asked for a pound. I told him I wouldn't be walking across the bridge in the middle of the night if I'd had money for transport. "Look around you" he said threateningly, "There's no one here but you and me." My adrenaline fired up and I cared about nothing at that point, my hand went into my pocket and there was some change and some keys. I thought of fisting the keys between my fingers and giving him a sharp right to the neck but some glimmer of reserve made me decide instead to throw what change I had at him and told him to get home safely. I didn't hang around while he gathered the coins. He didn't follow me. The upside was that later I realized he'd scared the hiccups out of me.
You know that old saying 'in bad spirits'? Well, my understanding of that expression is that when you're in bad spirits, more bad spirits are attracted to you. Like mosquitoes to a hiker in a red leotard.
Anyway where was I? The song is an honest depiction of how I've been feeling. You draw on your experiences, and the concept of this project is to reflect on what's happening each month. I've written a lot of songs in my life so far about lost love. Throughout the relationship I'd often thought that maybe I'd never have the need to write another one. But so it goes. A friend mentioned on facebook that we write our best material when we are either "very sad or very much in love". I've been both lately, so you can be the judge as to whether that's true or not. Part of me hopes not, because I'd like the second half of the monthly journal songs to get happier.